The story so far…

The story so far…

Well least the last few months. To say things have been one great big cluster fuck of a mess might be an understatement. Left a decent job in November, pay wasn’t bad but man the hours were murder. 12 days on 2 days off, with working 12 hours on those middle 2 days. From there it was bounce around at temp services and job hunt. Fast forward over the holidays because lets face it for me the holidays are just days.

Welcome to month of February after surviving the longest January ever. My relationship with my girlfriend had deteriorated over the last 3 years to the where we are now just friends. Then I got the flu and was sick for a week then like 3 days after getting over the flu. Blam a kidney stone knocks me out of commission for like a week. During this time switched back to an old job. Was doing great there, everyone said so. I was somewhat happy. Then of course one night my brain decided ah fuck it, ya gotta get out here, ya gotta go. See that’s my brain. For no real reason or rhyme it’s like time to disappear. Though this caused fallout. And now a few days later I’m normal.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always tried to be a decent human being. I’ve not always been good at it. But hey I try. I have my issues probably to many to count. It’s been what 6 years now since I was diagnosed as bipolar. Did I get help for it at first yes, then I split up from my then girlfriend and probably the 2nd most toxic relationship in my life with another human being, the first being the family relationship I have with basically all my family member’s. And I chalked up the bipolar to basically the relationship with the evil ex. I was relatively normal only minor episodes of depression or anger that had really no true cause.

I’ve always been somewhat moody or broody. It always simply seemed just a part of my being. There’s been days in the last few weeks that there has been no anger simply mind numbing depression, escaping by any means necessary mostly sleep. Lots of naps. Delving into video games or movies anything to cope. Only the coping wasn’t happening. Stress ,anxiety and pressure from everything real and imagined was getting the best of me. I was so close to the bottom anything could of set me off on a spiral. Spiral I did, hence last weeks episode. I was down so far fucking down. Almost to the point of like well fuck why bother going on. Yes that thought was there, plans and outcomes. What to do about my cat. Yet those thoughts passed.

Not saying I’m completely over it, just on a better wave. Back to living off the one emotion I am sure I always feel spite. I go on just to spite the universe. Simply because I feel as if the universe is just like let’s see what else can go wrong , how much more can he take. So I go on just to be a living fuck you to reality. Everyone needs a reason to live and as petty as mine is that’s mine. I go on to spite the universe and few people who are probably sure I’m just a statistic waiting to happen. I simply don’t want them ever getting that satisfaction.

And now we come to the conclusion yes I’ve got work to do on myself. Yes it’ll take time. And yes its gonna be a long process. I’ve got to repair the damage I caused in my life. And to those around me as best I can.

Forgot

I forgot what I came here for
I forgot who I was
Where I was going
Why I chose this path
Forgot so much
Forgotten so often
The echo of self preservation confused with self destruction
A war I’m not winning
A war I never wanted
Yet here I fight each and every day
Claws dug into stay
Yet always wondering why
Every smile a lie
As the truth of my happiness
Left so long ago